A Simple Tribute

He was perhaps the best amongst modern day man. A true role-model and hero. Rest in peace, Dad.

"Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself." (Rumi)

"Requests to the server have been temporarily throttled".

Throttled? Interesting choice of words!!

WonderWomen

TODAY'S TEST OF COURAGE:

My sister and I walked through a 100yd stretch by the Serpentine in Hyde Park, in the dark, which was absolutely packed with violent looking ducks, geese, swans and even a heron. We salam-ed and jazakallahkhair-ed our way through the flock, hoping that it would calm them down and that we wouldn't be angrily pecked to death. Getting out alive was a surprising adrenaline rush! And then the ride we went on in Winter Wonderland kept it on the up and up. Alhamdulillah :)

Yay yay yay to life! Alhamdulillah to be alive :)

More Weddings

I HATE getting ready for weddings with a passion. There's one today and one on Sunday to attend. Whilst everyone else is excited that it's segregated and the hijabi girls get a rare chance to dress-up, it puts me in a bad mood. I'm not out to impress anyone and I'd rather be studying or watching Psych (my new favourite show). It's far too much effort that I can't be bothered to put in. My mum has forbidden me to just rock up in my abaya though. Sigh.

Magicky Me

I've been told that if I was a mythical creature, I'd be a mermaid (not the scary Harry Potter kind though). I am completely and utterly in love with the idea <3 

And no, I haven't actually seen 'A Little Mermaid'. Although, Ariel and I both share the same personality type apparently :D

"It is not who I am underneath but what I do that defines me."

Too Much Time

I'm on my 'consolidation week' at the moment. I guess that's supposed to mean that whatever I've done so far, I'm supposed to pad out the knowledge, bulk it out a bit, consolidate it. What if I haven't actually studied anything so far? No textbook, no Webct, no lecture slides, no nothing. It makes me feel ever so slightly queasy when I think of all the work that needs doing, averaging out to be around six textbooks per core rotation. I kid you not. And it's already November. For most people that's around the beginning of their academic year, but for me, my year started around 4 months ago. Exams are in about seven months, they count for 60% of my degree and with the craploads of stuff I need to get through, I guess that means I should've started cramming oh I don't know, sometime last year. I'm so screwed.. (Inshallah not :| ) Despite all the studying that needs to be done, I still regret the fact that my Morocco trip didn't work out. Story of my life eh?

I find that when I have more time on my hands, I start slowing down to a pace worthy of hibernation, which actually reminds me that I saw a hedgehog in my garden the other day! So darn cute! Some years back, there would be a hedgehog gathering in our back garden every day at 9pm for a few months. It was truly a bizarre experience, yet quite humbling, as though we were privy to their secret world that they had chosen to share with us. Even they seem to be far more active than I have been this year. Instead of studying so hard to the point of getting a nose-bleed (an asian parent's dream I would imagine) I'm amused at the competitive, brown-nosed, super-elitist med students whose number of unholy hours in the library speaks for itself in the imprints perfectly contoured to their arses left on the chairs there. I prefer the peace of my bedroom and the possibilities of afternoon naps and hot chocolate breaks compared to the humid atmosphere of the library, only intensified by the sweat of unwashed bundles of scruffy jeans and computer-strained squints vaporising into the still air.

That's just not me. I reckon I belong with the pot-smoking hippies of the 60s; cruising along, travelling wherever the wind blows, my head barely seen bobbing in the smoked ends of god-only-knows how many joints; a 'dude'. Although, I'd trade in the minivan for a Bentley or a Lamborghini, and a joint for a steaming plate of rice. In my head I vaguely remember a phrase about the devil and idle hands. Something that didn't quite make sense before is somehow seemingly becoming less of a foggy metaphor.

Instead of wisely taking advantage of my spare time (which technically I shouldn't have), I find new ways of dropping the big A into conversations at home. Like a bombshell, waiting for how people will react, minutely scrutinising their faces for that small giveaway of surprise in the slight widening of their eyes and an almost embarassed look that fleetingly crosses their face, not quite sure where to look or why I've said the name. We don't talk about him. Hardly ever. At the beginning, I wouldn't let them. But now, perhaps in some perverse reversal of the situation, I see how far I can go. I test the words, in my head. It's been a long time and somehow I have forgotten how to form the words with my mouth.. Abi. No, that sounds too strange, too formal. Clinical almost, like an awkward hospital appointment. It has been too long. So I try the next best thing, your husband, your father. I try these phrases, roll them around on my tongue. Yes, they seem more usable. The A is too intimate, or perhaps too far back in the past for me to heave it back into the present. I don't know. Maybe I'm still not quite ready. There are times when I'll sit stock still in my room and this overwhelming sense of loss and grief overcomes me and I'll frantically hide the tears that are crushing me so hard inside that I'm physically left gasping for air. It's like my lungs are drowning in the tears I refuse to shed. And then there is silence. I wonder whether my mind even remembers what it misses, whether I  remember, or whether it's just an involuntary reaction to some unknown trigger. It feels like a lifetime ago and yet at the same time it feels like I'm still waiting for him to walk through the door, to fill this dark space that's eating away at the peripheries of our lives like a slow degenerative disease, tunnel-visioning everything we see, do and hear. As though if he came back, it'd suddenly become brighter and we would see again, barely registering surprise as though this was the way it should be. Lord knows I've grieved, but perhaps it's something you never really get back. That sense of being whole. You're always waiting for that little more. Maybe I'll just blame my lack of time utilisation on that, as I always seem to be in limbo, waiting for something to happen..

Buried Alive?

When I was still quite young I found a dead worm on the paving stones of our garden. Feeling sad that the poor thing didn't even manage to die in the earth where it usually lives, I decided to bury it. Later on in the day, or perhaps it was the day after, and for some reason I can't quite remember, I decided to have a look at the worm and see if it was still there. It had disappeared. I still feel somewhat cheated out of a presumably unnecessary burial.

To Live

Living is a delicate art in which the connoisseur delves between the realms of a fluctuating balance of extravagance and that of circumstantial respect. It dances with an almost electric flair, only solemnised by the exchange of its forbidden lust between light and shadow and the subtle and overt. 

On a canvas of mixed medium we draw on the scaffold of our paint, and in the eruption of colour in the primed mundane, there is a pulsating subterfuge within the streaky silhouettes of neglect. There are no limits, no rules, and the only code that governs this display is the intuition with which we explore. There are secrets beneath the rivulets of coloured rapport as each breath aligns curiosity with reprieve, and it is within this regal expression of an un-curated spate wherein lays the exuberance of life itself.

Wishful Thinking

The Bugatti Veyron. Need I say more? When you come across such astounding beauty, I can more than understand why a guy can be happily married to his car. Oh Lord! *drool*

"In every breath there is life"

~The Last Samurai~

Random Interactions

I was sitting outside the conference room today waiting for a lecture on learning disabilities, when a guy sat down to tie his shoelaces and noticed me reading my psych textbook. He asked me what I could tell about him from what I could see. Slightly startled and not quite sure where this was heading, all I could come up with was that he seemed nice (which was true). In return, he told me what he could tell about me: that I still had some way to go with regards to studying and training, but I would be successful, that I would have a good husband and three children and also that I was nice. After leaving, he came back again to tell me that my children will be beautiful. Lol. Inshallah!

Later on in the day after a placement in a child psychiatry outpatient clinic in Harrow, an elderly lady on the bus starting talking to me, gave me her number and told me to come round some time (and no, she doesn't have any sons so she wasn't 'scouting'). Before I got off the bus, she told me that you can tell a lot about a person from their face and that by reading mine, she could tell I would be very successful. Not quite sure on the accuracy of either individuals' assessments today, but no harm in making dua :)

On another note, my mum and sister have jetted off to Kashmir. It's going to be quiet around here and I'll be spending a very lonely Eid at home. Sniff. However, I'm actually really happy for them because my sister wanted to go and it'll also be the first my mum will do Eid with her father after 29 years inshallah!

Bare love to my mum. I already miss her <3

Loot-a-froot

So.. this looting business that has swept across the UK seems to be more of a shopping spree (without the cash) than anything else. Whilst they seem to be having a hell of a time rampaging the streets and getting their Christmas presents sorted a tad early, a lot of the dumbasses forgot to cover their faces. However, even if they are caught, what with all the prison cuts and the reduced sentences and what-have-you, this will probably mean that at most, they will probably be either facing a fine or community service. Not much compensation considering how many millions insurance companies are going to be forking out to fix damaged property and rebuild businesses. I guess all we can do is wait and see. One thing that does baffle me tremendously is the theft of all that immodium. Either they really need to be on a healthier bowel-freindly diet or they're looking out for their grandmas, in which case, they can't be all that bad eh?

In the aftermath, communities are evolving, rallying together to clean the streets, hand out baked goodies to raise spirits, or even stand guard to protect buildings, worshippers and homes. Yesterday, Sikhs stood guard outside a mosque in Southall whilst Muslims prayed Taraweeh in the holy month of Ramadan, and today, Muslims returned the favour and helped protect the Gurdawara and the gold within from possible looters. It is hearing stories like these of people banding together, irrespective of race and religion that literally chokes me up. It is truly an awesome feeling :)

Cupcakes Galore

*drool*

The New Cupcake?

Best place to buy macaroons: Selfridges or Harrods. This will be my food-stop after I try churros with chocolate at Camden Market (as well as the main course Ethiopian and Chinese belly-fillers from the food stalls) ^_^

Yummers!!

Hot Chocolate :)

Made from sweet chocolate, butter, eggs, sugar, flour, cocoa powder, milk.

This is going to be a post-Ramadan treat! (inshaAllah)

Engagement!

There have been lots of weddings and pre-wedding parties to attend recently so it's been pretty hectic. Of particular note, all of our friends crew attended Nasif's wedding in Leicester and mashaAllah it was absolutely amazing! Not to mention kinda weird to think that he's all settled down now. There was also this Kashmiri wedding we went to which had a chocolate fountain and the standard lapses in segregation, although surprisingly infrequent. For entertainment, two aunties forced all the Kashmiris in the room to go to the front and freak out the rest of the guests with our traditional wailing singing. I actually had a good time though. Oh and there was that other wedding where there was a magician!

However, the most exciting of them all was my cousin's engagement in Oxford last Saturday. Completely last minute and on the same day as Salman's sister's wedding, family obviously came first :) Not only did Isra look absolutely stunning, but the day itself was truly magical. There was family, cake, food, phenomenal singing, gifts, kebabs, more cake, a kathak dance and lots of chilling. Isra's fiance and in-laws are a truly inspiring bunch: so humble and loving and just darn nice people through and through. I feel honoured to now also be a part of their family :)

Aside from the engagement, as Isra's sister, Rua was staying in the UK for another week, I got to spend more time with them both. We traipsed Oxford, looked at quills worthy of Rita Skeeter, had scones and high tea and also trawled through Camden Market, ogling at the food stalls. At the end of it all, what really sticks is that God has given us a gift we often don't appreciate enough: our family. And I don't just mean the standard mum, dad, siblings kinda thing, but our cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents and those elusive third cousins twice removed relatives as well. Nothing can ever replace those bonds that are forged first from blood and then from love and friendship, and I'm eternally grateful for all of mine :)

Added Note (31.07.2011)

Another cousin got engaged today in Kashmir :)

A Story Of My Own

After finding the time for books again (the sort that has nothing to do with my degree), I found myself one evening almost unthinkingly typing up whatever it was that my brain wanted to release. Turns out it was some form of inspiration to write what seems to be more like an excerpt from a chapter of a book rather than a story in itself. Whatever it is, although it's mine, there was no thought process involved, and it wrote itself. Surprisingly it was similar to the way I write my poetry: they just come to me and that's that. Nothing more, nothing less. Either way, here it is:

~ Chapter 3 ~

There was barely enough time to grab hold of her hair that was tumbling down, free from its usual pencil or comb, scavenged from the depths of her bedroom. Twisting it neatly back into place, she adjusted her veil, ensuring that it was drawn across the lower parts of her face. She swiftly made her way to the courtyard, her footsteps muffled by the rich furs that lay upon the marble floor. There was no time for stealth, as the stranger with his wide set eyes and vivid green sash tied to hide his ample belly, was currently in audience with her father. As Tamara placed an ear to the heavy wooden doors of the drawing room, inlaid with jewels and intricate carvings, unfamiliar raucous laughter boomed from within, muffling her father’s quiet yet rich voice. There was no way she would be able to discern what was being said inside and patience didn’t come easily to the princess. With a determined step, Tamara made her way up a flight of stone stairs usually used by the servants. Entering a side room directly above the one in which the guest was seated, Tamara removed a stone from the floor on the far side of the room. Underneath this, the metal grille allowed the sounds from the room below to quietly carry through. Impatiently pushing her veil aside, Tamara pressed her ear to the grille, trying hard not to breathe in the disturbed dust that had now settled on her face. As Tamara listened to the conversation that remained completely unaware of its intrusion, her fists clenched, her well-polished nails digging deeper into her palms with each passing minute. She didn’t even feel her skin breaking as she drew blood.

Once the stranger had left, Tamara eased herself against the wall, her knees and back aching from the tense crouched position she had held for the last twenty minutes. Her mind numb with shock, it took a few moments for her to notice Sara, her maid, at the door, her eyebrows furrowed with worry. “Your Highness, we’ve been looking all over for you. What are you doing here?” Tamara sat, her mind furiously trying to piece together the drifts of conversation she had managed to catch. As Sara walked towards the princess, her eyes widened as she took in the sight of the drying blood that had seeped through Tamara’s still-clenched hands. Tamara followed Sara’s gaze and looked with bemusement at her hands, but this was no time for small scratches. She sprang up and ran past Sara, who at this point was fumbling around, looking for a cloth to wipe off the blood. Racing down the stairs, the princess threw open the doors to the drawing room and strode up to her father who remained seated in his favourite chair, a Persian creation of the greatest magnificence, draped in silken finery and sparkling with rocks as big as the fresh walnuts that grew in the orchards. Her eyes blazing with the passion of the warrior’s bloodline that flowed through her veins, Tamara knelt at her father’s feet, her face turned towards his, searching for a clue to somehow negate what she had just heard.
“Is it true? Are we to go to war?”
Her father’s face looked aged as he smiled sadly down at her, his hand resting against her cheek. “My dear daughter, Shair Khan has pillaged nearby towns, slaughtering whoever may come his way, keeping only a few young women alive whom he has taken for himself. His men have been left to burn whatever and whoever is left and take whatever they wish. Shair Khan has violated the treaty that ordered peace to reign in these regions for 50 years. He is out of control.”

Talk of Shair Khan and his barbaric ways against the people that she had lived with when she was young was enough to make her want to rip Khan’s head from his body. But there was something else going on that her intuition had warned her about and she had distinctly heard the stranger utter her name.
“What did the nafar want with me?” Tamara asked, her trembling voice barely concealing the anxiety that was twisting at her heart. As King Tamuk took his daughter's hands in his own, he noticed how small and fragile they seemed to be.
“The messenger was sent by Rumais Lahan, from the Gazari tribe," he sighed, making sure he he kept a hold of Tamara's hands. "He offers an alliance against Shair Khan, a deal only cemented if I give him your hand in marriage..” Tamuk looked down at his only child and was once again struck by the resemblance she held to his beloved wife who was now resting in the next world. Tamara had the same brilliant green eyes framed by the sharp yet hauntingly beautiful features. Of present they betrayed the terror she felt, mirroring his own disturbed emotions that weighed heavily in his broad and battle-scarred chest. Her hands hung limply as Tamuk felt their warmth drain away.

They both knew that in recent months, Tamuk’s forces had dwindled, the harsh winter having disabled many of the men with frostbite, and others having left when the food had run out. If Shiobani made his way to the palace, they would not be able to defeat him on their own. For Tamara, this didn’t bode well.

Result!

Yay! I am officially a fifth year now, with one degree in hand alhamdulillah! :)

But it's back to uni on Monday. It's gonna be a long year.. :|

Ruined beyond our immersions that our souls could no longer withstand, even the bitterness had to surface to once again catch its breath. Lurid details seemed to derail whilst ravenous eyes sought to douse their hunger with revere.

Korea's Got Talent

This video has me cracking up every time I watch it, and I've had it on repeat for two days straight now :D

Summer Break

My summer, and I use the term 'summer' to refer to a holiday in the loosest sense of the word, is drawing to a close. All that's left is this sense of unfinished business and this intense desire to let loose on the world in some form of manic creativity and spontaneity. Instead, I find myself thinking of all the food I've managed to gorge on in the past three weeks since I handed in my final project: korean food, chinese waffle eggs, chinese bean buns, syrian food, mexican food, sushi, caribbean style gbk burgers, and numerous desserts of gastronomic proportions.

So anyway, final project: the big hoo-ha that would be the stopping point of a very long year. After spending two week researching at the Wellcome library in Euston, and an eye-liqefying number of hours staring at Google search results, I finally managed to produce a 5000 word essay structured around the art piece we had to create.

My focus: the social prejudices that refuse the permissibility of the dichotomous nature of doctors as both healers and patients. My artwork: A photo of Omar. Not that he has any illness that makes him patient-worthy, but he was willing to model for my piece. Over 400 shots later, using a borrowed DSLR camera and a carefully balanced tripod in the St Mary's Hospital main lifts, Omar's unexpected embarrassment paid off in producing my final piece. To understand the intricacies and reflections drawn from the piece (i.e. arty-farty made up nonsense that is absolutely necessary for the write-up), you'd have to read the whole 5000 word shabang. Not the best way to spend precious holiday time I must admit.

Hours after handing in the project, I made my way up north to Scotland. I spent a week between deadlines relaxing in a cottage by the sea whilst trying to rack up a decent presentation worth 20% of my module. I obviously ended up creating the presentation the night before I got back to London, but without that Scotland break, my brain would have been too exhausted to churn out even half a word. Now it's just waiting for results. Inshallah it all goes well. Duas!

Unfortunately I can't seem to access most of my photos, which is proving to be very frustrating. However, from the ones that I do have, they are enough to remind me of the awesome time I had :)

The day after my final deadline I started working in the private wing of Moorfields Eye Hospital in Old Street. Three and a half weeks later, today was my last day and I'm already missing it. The people were absolutely awesome, the atmosphere relaxed, and the drinks machine willing to provide me with endless free cups of delicious hot chocolate. After sending off most of the beautifully dressed-up staff to a ball with a Bond theme, I spent a few hours with my boss chatting and discussing life. Her words were profound and will stick with me for a long time. She was worried as she saw herself in me; an individual with all these dreams and ideas who is far too willing to lay it all down for those around me. She told me to never compromise on my happiness, to be strong, and to only be treated as something to be treasured. 'Don't let anyone change you into what they want you to be. They should instead stand back and support you and be proud of who you are. And if they don't, they don't deserve you.' My boss is one amazing woman :)

Next in the line-up for the remaining two weeks are trips to Oxford, Luton and Manchester with a couple of weddings fitted in between. 'Tis the season to be wedded it seems. May they all remain happy and forever thankful for each other :)

Reflections

We’ve made it through another year to another Spring. The weather is beautiful (the tropical downpours included), Hyde Park is bursting with happy people and there’s even an extra bank holiday to look forward to, thanks to the imminently arriving royal wedding.

However, as ice-cream vans trawl through the streets, enticing everyone with their oh so nostalgic tune, there’s a suffocating buzz of tension in the air.  As the academic year draws closer to an end, the final stretch is laced with exams, driving students into a state of mania, many of whom will spend their nights in the library and if so desired, use the washbasins as a substitute shower.

In this hurricane of movement that we seem to be entangled within, it is important to take some time out to reflect. In some students, exam time seems to induce a sudden ‘muslamic’ effect by means of giving charity and praying extra nafl in a desperate attempt to bargain with God for the all-important pass mark.  However, others may decide that praying detracts away from their time they can study and therefore forfeit their salah.

It is important that we learn to strike a balance. Hoping that we can miraculously pass as a result of duas alone but without any studying isn’t quite how it works. We are told to “tie your camel to the post and then put your trust in Allah” (Tirmidhi), thereby implying that we must do all that we can, try our hardest, and only then should we leave the rest to Allah. However, alongside this, one can never underestimate the power of dua:

“Verily your Lord is Generous and Shy. If His servant raises his hands to Him (in supplication) He becomes shy to return them empty (Ahmad, Abu Dawood, Tirmidhi)”

However, many of us make dua half-heartedly, not convinced whether our demands will be answered or not. The belief in the power of dua is just as important as the act of making dua itself. There is nothing that Allah cannot grant us if He so wills. In Surah Fatihah we attest to Allah that “You alone we worship and You alone we seek for help”, and it is to Him that we must seek help in all matters we engage in.

Another important aspect of ensuring that we try and get the most out of our time, be it whilst studying or in life generally, is to make sure that we use the limited time we have with wisdom.

Imam Al-Ghazali (may Allah's mercy be on him) wrote in his book, The Beginning of Guidance: 

"You should not neglect your time or use it haphazardly; on the contrary you should bring yourself to account, structure your litanies and other practices during each day and night, and assign to each period a fixed and specific function. This is how to bring out the spiritual blessing (baraka) in each period. But if you leave yourself adrift, aimlessly wandering as cattle do, not knowing how to occupy yourself at every moment, your time will be lost. It is nothing other than your life, and your life is the capital that you make use of to reach perpetual felicity in the proximity of God the Exalted.”

Information is not knowledge, for knowledge is acting upon information in a way which is beneficial for ourselves. I hope to instil these words into my own life :)